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[Gast Arathorn]

THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN

Day One:

Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.

Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.

Still not King.

Day Four:

Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.

Not King yet.

Day Six:

Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and

manly. Yes!

Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.

Still not King.

Day Ten:

Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Balrog.

Not King today either.

Day Eleven:

Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.

Legolas may be hotter than me.

I wonder if he would like me if I was King?

Day 28:

Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I

make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.

Still not King.

Day 30:

In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench.

Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad.

Took a shower. Yay!

But still not King.

Day 32:

Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.

Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.

I think Legolas might be kinda gay.

Nope, not King.

Day 33:

Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good.

Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am

now quite sure that he was very definitely gay.

Not so sure about Gimli either.

RIP Boromir.

Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might

however have been blood loss.

Day 34:

Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him.

Why?

My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?

Not so sure about me either.

Still not King, goddammit.

The Secret Diary of Legolas, son of Weenus

Day One:

Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow

some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very

important mission - gold ring so tacky.

Day Four:

Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all

the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow

insisted we climb back down.

Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me!

Day Six:

Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I

am developing a tangle.

Orcs so silly.

Still the prettiest.

Day Ten:

Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot

on my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500

years or more.

Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.

Day Eleven:

In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me.

Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same

look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I

used her mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath.

I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one

strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now?

Still prettiest by far.

Day 30:

All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion.

Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will

kill him if he tries anything.

Still the prettiest.

Day 33 :

Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as

already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like

granite.

Have been getting very strange letters from someone calling herself

"Stacey" who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood. Fortunately have

super-duper elf vision so can run away if I see her coming.

Day 35:

Boromir dead. Very messy death, most unnecessary. Did get kissed by

Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around

here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. Cannot

understand it. Am feeling a pout coming on.

Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other,

rather cute really.

Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can

see advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting.

Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.

The Very Secret Diary of Boromir of Gondor

Day One:

Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He

thinks he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on

the side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined

muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean

that....what? Got distracted there for a bit.

Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by

Aragorn's enormous...rudeness.

Ooops.

Day Three

Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.

Day Four

Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it

back. Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved

right up his...

Stupid Ring.

Day Four:

Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo.

Ha Ha! Ha!

Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Six:

Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo."

"Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir, quit trying to

cut off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring."

Blatant favoritism most annoying.

Day Ten:

Why isn't Aragorn into me ?

Day Eleven:

Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria.

Kind of liked it, actually.

Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. Not

after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little things,

too...

In other news, Gandalf died.

Day 30:

In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to my

rugged yet unwashed manliness.

Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy

git. Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose.

Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of time

he did not mean with each other.

Stupid Aragorn.

Day 33 :

Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it. Must

admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it.

Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a

little cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face.)

Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!

Day 35:

Killed by orcs.

Stupid orcs.

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS:

Day One:

Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam gave

me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful.

Wasn't quite entirely sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am assured

it has something to do with Elf medicine.

Day Three

Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move.

Day Four

Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount

Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn on the

ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought.

Day Six:

Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt.

He must be after the Ring. Damn its siren call.

Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Ten:

Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow.

Was stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too.

It must truly be an object of awesome power.

Day Eleven:

Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy wizard

hat not just for show.

Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just v. peculiar.

Day 24 :

Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me

and pinch me as he has been doing lately.

Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go.

Day 27 :

Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she

kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you, Frodo

Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my breeches. So, gave her my

extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them. Maybe some kind of

breeches shortage in Lothlorien.

Day 30 :

Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me a

group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is not

affecting them. Although did not need back rubbed quite so much, nor other

parts.

Pippin does remember we're cousins, right?

Right?

Day 33 :

Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am fairly sure

he also tried to have a little cuddle. Was most unnerving, as Boromir quite

huge.

Day 36 :

Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor.

Sam coming too. Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those

platonic, brotherly foot massages he's so good at.

Am sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite fancying the

idea of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on. Ah,

well, he never would have liked me anyway.

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMGEE

Day One:

Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried. Told Pippin it would be

all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die.

Did I say that out loud?

Day Three:

Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him. Gandalf

told me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty clothes. So

took clothes off him and gave him a bath. And another one. Then gave him

another bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was quite enough, Samwise

Gamgee.

Poncy old git probably hasn't taken a bath since the Second Age.

Day Four:

Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.

Day Five:

Elf bubble bath v. colorful and pretty.

Gandalf no fun at all.

*sulk*

Day Six:

Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned as to why his

fingers are all wrinkled.

Decided not to tell him about all the baths.

Day Seven:

Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor. Mr.

Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful!

Okay, so possibly isn't all that tall.

Day Eight:

Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship v. dodgy if you ask me.

Especially Boromir. "Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight" my Aunt

Lobelia. Obviously pervy hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with small

men in shorts.

Day Nine:

Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will kill

him if he tries anything.

Day Ten:

V. dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn every

time he tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark.

Gandalf fell into bottomless pit. Mr. Frodo said something later about

pointy wizard hat, but did not understand it as am innocent young hobbit

from Shire not versed in wordly ways.

Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli.

Ick.

Day Fifteen:

Lothlorien v. pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr. Frodo

left, right and center. Pippin agrees. Told Pippin height difference would

make relationship impossible. Pippin said Mr. Frodo could stand on stilts.

Hate Pippin.

Day Twenty-Two:

Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady.

Not sure where going exactly, but is obviously somewhere water-related, as

have been given boats. Do not care really as long as get to share boat with

Mr. Frodo.

Day Twenty-Three:

Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr. Frodo. Got shot down of

course (hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of himself. Claims was

trying to take Ring so as to rule world and bring down evil, but we all

know that's a big fib don't we.

Day Twenty-Four:

Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something.

Frodo off to Mordor. Taking me along, hurrah! Mr. Frodo needs cheering up

as seems inexplicably sorry to say goodbye to Gimli, as well as is

depressed and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the barren

wastelands of the Dark Lord's realm.

We will see about that.

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SARUMAN THE WHITE

DAY ONE

Am bored. No cable in Isengard. Nothing to do but write rude anonymous

letters to Radagast the Brown and Manfred the Slightly Ecru.

Perhaps will have a look at the palantir.

DAY TWO

Have met v. nice guy via palantir. He seems to really like me for me and not

just because am most powerful wizard in Middle Earth. Wonder what he

looks like.

DAY THREE

Am becoming disenchanted with palantir guy. Refuses to send me photo, except

of one v. large eyeball. Says he is shy but I rather suspect he is

fat, or perhaps hairy. Have heard some v. bad stories about palantir

relationships. Should probably cool it for a while.

DAY SEVEN

Well, wouldn't you know, palantir guy turned out to be Dark Lord of Mordor.

Just my luck. Could have been worse, I guess.

Sauron not far or hairy, just disembodied force of evil. Must go now, have

to raise massive demon army to scourge the earth.

Also, have manicure appointment. Is no easy task keeping nails pointy.

DAY NINE

Typical. Gandalf just came waltzing by and he knows I hate drop-ins. Wanted

to yap on and on all about the ring he gave his new boyfriend,

terrible pervy hobbit-fancier old Gandalf is. Disgrace to the Order.

Just wants to show off and remind me that he's got a hobbit, and I'm

just dating an eyeball. Well, Saruman the White does not stand for

this treatment. Showed him my Wizard Wrestling Federation moves. Have

delivered smackdown. Go me.

DAY THIRTEEN

Am tired of climbing up and down eight million stairs just to taunt Gandalf.

Should have imprisoned him in easy-access dungeon where could taunt

more effectively, and would not have to wait until after breakfast.

DAY FOURTEEN

All right, who's been spitting gum down on the orcs? Honestly.

DAY FIFTEEN

Was right in middle of really good taunt and Gandalf escaped. Ah well. Will

save me daily stair climb.

DAY SIXTEEN

Have been watching in palantir. Gandalf faffed off on extending camping trip

with four hobbits, a v. buff elf, and rather fanciable human -- oh

bother, that's Aragorn son of Arathorn. Once threw him out of

Isengard for whinging about not being King yet. Then there's a

shady-looking character and some kind of hairy newt. Or maybe it's a

dwarf.

What a bunch of yobbos.

DAY TWENTY

Have crossed orcs with goblin men in caverns below Isengard. V. tedious

experience as orcs and goblin men most reluctant to breed, even with

dinner and flowers. Next time will try something easier, such as

breeding goblins and cheerleaders to create super-perky army that can

travel by day and will not complain about pink uniforms.

DAY TWENTY-TWO

Did not know when decided to make demon army for Sauron that would be so

darn messy. Curse my decision to be Saruman the White. Should have

decided to be Saruman the Muddy Brown, or Saruman the Faintly

Greenish. White just shows all the slime.

DAY TWENTY-FOUR

If keep watching in palantir, perhaps will see Gandalf do pointy hat trick?

DAY TWENTY-FIVE

Gandalf did pointy hat trick! Ringbearer v. impressed. Aragorn obviously

fancies trousers off the Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

DAY TWENTY-FIVE

Hairy newt is most definitely dwarf. Caught him playing hide-the-helmet with

one of the hobbits. Other human seems to be Boromir of Gondor. Am I

only one who has long wanted to ride to Minas Tirith and tell Steward

that "Gondor" sounds just like "gonad" and they should find less

silly name? Perhaps it is just me.

DAY TWENTY-EIGHT

Uruk-hai nearly ready to go. Watched Fellowship a bit today. Boromir

convinced smallest hobbit to "Blow the Horn of Gondor."

Have not laughed so hard since set Balrog up with Gandalf during Second Age

and Gandalf stuck Balrog with restaurant bill.

Palantir great. Better than cable.

:O

[Gast Grodek]

:O LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL :-D

[Gast Haldir]

enorm

arathorn, woher haste sie denn???

[Úmarth]

Die Tagebücher gibt es:

hier auf Englisch,

und auf dieser Seite unter Articles auf Deutsch.

[Gast Haldir]

danke umarth

[Gast Pe]

Die sind so was von cool!!!

Ich finde das von Merry und das von Legolas am besten.

Cu Pe :-D

[Mortica]

Großartig! Einfach großartig!

Gibt es eine Fortsetzung???

:-D

[Aset]

Legolas ist einfach göttlich - fehlt nur noch die rosarote Zuckerschnute

Atenio! Aset

[Gast Sarah]

Ich fand Saruman genial. "Wer hat die besten Dates?" und pinke uniformen?! Was 'ne Vortstellung!

[Gast estrielle]

*riesenmegasupergrins*

[Kilan]

hihi...mir haben Elrond und Gollum gefallen...mit dem ausgeleierten rosa Kleid..."Wer hat mir diesen Brief geschrieben?!"...hehe

Super genial, das is doch mal ne Info

[-Kilan-] :-D

[Neniel Tindómerel]

*grins*

"...Sam will kill him if he tries anything..." 8-)

[Gast Haldir]

also ich find irgendwie alle voll gut

besonders das von gimli

[Elbereth]

das jemand auf sowas kommt... *grins* :-D

[Saru Titmouse]

*michaufdembodenkaputtlach*

Das ist so oberlustig ! Hihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihi

Das ist genial !

"Sam wird ihn umbringen wenn er etwas versucht .

Ich hoffe er versucht etwas ."

Saruman is auch geil !

Eure und SarumansSchwester :-O

[Mondkalb]

alae!

"killed by orcs. stupid orcs." genial!

*vorlachenwegschmeiß*

atenio

---

"die straße gleitet fort und fort,

weg von der tür, wo sie begann,

weit überland, von ort zu ort,

ich folge ihr, so gut ich kann."

[Gast Edhel]

*lachendvomstuhlfall*

Einfach genial !!Wer denkt sich sowas aus ?!

[Saru Titmouse]

Hihi ,ich ! schreib nämlich grad an Saurons Tagebuch !Das hat uns noch gefehlt !

Eure und SarumansSchwester :-O

[Gast Sarah]

Das klingt klasse! Sag bescheid, wenn du es fertig hast! Ich freu mich schon drauf.

[Saru Titmouse]

Mach ich gerne ,Geburtstagskind !

[Mondkalb]

Muh!

Ich schließe diesen Thread.

Es geht weiter in Spaß in Mittelerde.