[Beta] The Darkness Within (Englisch)

[Elda]

THE DARKNESS WITHIN

CHAPTER ONE

He glared out of the window, watching the silent snow falling upon the already heavily covered earth. Dusk had brought a darkness too thick to peer through. James was thinking of the hard life outside.

The hunting. The killing. In his world, this belonged to life to survive. To life... It was a long time ago that he had been alive. He was not, not anymore. He was sixhundred years old. No one is alive after sixhundred years. James turned away from the window, not wanting to look anymore. There was nothing outside he desired at the moment. What he desired was far, far away, in a better world than his.

He swallowed, thinking of Alicia.

What a girl, he thought. Long gone, but blimey, she was a girl.

He sat down in the high-backed chintz armchair before the handsome fire, and closed his eyes. The room did not look at all as if anything was unusual with that man, sitting in his dark-red dressing gown before the fire, looking like anybody after a long working day.

The walls were made of dark wood, making the room feel warm and welcoming when you entered it. A thick, red carpet, which looked like there had to be ten men to carry it covered the wooden floor. The table seemed to be extremely old.

In fact, it had once belonged to Elisabeth I., but James most usually did not mention it. No one needed to know. The less knew, the less were interested. And this, he thought, meant no fights. No blood on the expensive wood. James sighed and shifted a little in the chair.

All of a sudden, he woke up. He did not know when he had fallen asleep, nor what had waked him. But he knew for sure that it was nothing good. It was something dark. He opened his eyes slowly. Seeing nothing worrying, he looked around. Had that been a shadow moving outside the window?

James was not quite sure, but he did not want to take the risk. He stood up and took a large sword attached to an ornamental plate at the wall. The plate was wearing a coat of arms, apparently as ancient as the wooden table, or even older. The coat of arms showed a wolf’s head under a beautifully designed crown. The sword had been lying in the wolf’s snout, held from falling by its fangs. The blade of the sword was more than 3 feet long, with runes carved into it. The hand guard bowed upwards, the better to disarm the enemy, and formed itself to a dragon’s wings. The handle was long enough to lay both hands around it, and was covered by ermineskin.

Although it was even older than the table and the crest, it looked as if it had never been in use at all. Now, in James’ hands, it looked perishing. He sneaked to the window, and looked out, always ready to jump backwards, to strike at an unknown enemy waiting for him. What he saw, however, was nothing but the beech trees outside, bestowed upon them the same heavy layer of snow that lay on the path winding up to his villa.

At that very moment, James heard a slashing sound and a scream, a scream that only the dying let out. He jumped backwards but heard a gentle knock at the door. He raised the sword again and went to open, ready for the attack. He hated this.

Focussing the door, he spoke a single word in a foreign language, a language he spoke and understood but had never learned. It had been given to him. ‘Open’. The door creaked open, and James prepared for the worst. What he saw, however, was not at all frightening. The man standing in front of him was tall and had long brown hair hanging onto his shoulders. He wore a black coat, and his right arm was holding a silver axe. It was covered in some dark, thick liquid. James lowered his sword so it hung directly before the man’s nose.

‘Recognise yourself’ called James out. The man standing before him grinned.

‘Thought you’d recognise an old friend by yourself’ he said. James did not shift his position. ‘I do. But that doesn’t mean that you couldn’t be an imposter, does it?’

‘All right, all right, I’ll do, then. M’name’s Rain, been bitten 60 years ago, by Coals. That enough for you?’

‘Not entirely’ James responded, still pointing the sword into his opponent’s face.

‘What was the first thing you learned about the darkness...from me?’

Rain’s grin widened.

‘That you’re first goal is not to safe your victims but to rescue your soul from the beast within.’

James lowered the sword finally. ‘I’m sorry. But you know how dangerous our days are. What was that outside?’

‘A Duma assassin. I don’t think they will miss him, didn’t seem very clever to me. Had himself seen by you and, the looks like, by some of the humans. Ripped his head off, might give a nice little sum. You could have gone out of the house completely unprepared, you’d still finished him. Poor guy. Mightn’t have been ten years in our world, now he’s dead again.’

But James was not so sure about this. His powers had been low for weeks, and he really needed to find some fresh blood sources. Bottles were nice to have, but not reloading his power. His glance travelled onto Rain’s face.

‘Come in, you look cold. I’ve got some bottles in the cellar, want some? Of course they’re not as fresh and new as the kiddies outside, but it’s of a very good year, 1862, you know, they were some really cute girls, pretty young and in full bloom.’

‘Sounds nice# said Rain and walked inside.

James knew Rain for two whole centuries now- a long time to know somebody, a long time in which you could find out much more about a human than one might think.

However, for vampires it was not necessarily a long period. 576 years ago he had been granted the gift of the Dark Kiss. He had been a young man, whose appearance he had never lost, a young man in full possession of his mental and physical power, a man who had not yet seen enough of the world as it had seemed to him.

He wanted to see the world, wanted to travel, wanted to experience. He had wanted too much. He saw the world, he travelled, he experienced- only to find out that the world was not what it had seemed to be. The world he lived in was evil, evil in every meaning he could think of. What he found out, however, was that there was much more evil he could have thought of back when he had been human.

James had heard of stories before. Stories about children being kidnapped directly under their parents’ noses, and never been seen again. Of course he had considered them legends, even laughs. Why should he have believed in vampires, in the blood-sucking evil demons stealing babies and taking all their blood to survive? Why believe in a race more powerful than the human one? Why think of the possibility that there could be creatures higher on the food chain than themselves? Why believe in frightening creatures?

Because they exist, James thought bitterly, and I am one of them.

But it was too late to regret now. Now he had time to think of the advantages. Eternal existence- not to say life. Because life was, what his existance did not mean: No need to breathe, to drink, to sleep- only to eat, to feed yourself. But still, nothing but blood could feed him. This was the curse of the eternity they were bestowed with. They could not choose what to eat. And still, it was a blessing: No limit concerning time. Whatever you wanted to learn, you could find out, because however long it took to learn, you had the time. James had found the advantage of this: There was nobody who knew more about the curse and the blessing of the Dark Kiss than James.

Rain stepped into the warm sitting room, looking around. He had never before been here. He looked at the dark wood, the table, the carpet. His eyes wandered over the mantelpiece, to the place where, obviously, the sword had hung. He turned and found that James had been watching him. He carried a small tablet with two goblets (where had he fetched that so fast from?), and put it onto the table.

‘Please sit down. Feel comfortable, I’ll go and fetch the Vitae. I will be back in a minute.’ Rain simply nodded and sat into the chintz armchair James had occupied only minutes before. He sighed. He wished he had such a beautiful home to call his own. He lived in a small apartment right above a pub. The stench and the smoke of the inn fogged his home, and everytime he came home for a rest, he was held awake by the noise, and his voice, which had once been soft and handsome, was now deep and smoky. He was interrupted from his bitter thoughts when James entered the room again.

‘You’ve got a nice place here.’

James did not respond. He sat on the chair opposing Rain and focussed him.

'You haven’t come without reason, I dare suggest. Nor has the Duma, I’m tempted to think. I’m not surprised about the attempt, but it’s not the first time. It’s the first time, nonetheless, that the Council sends somebody to me.’

‘How do you know...?’ Rain attempted to interrupt, but James was faster than him.

‘They are the Council, they have never been able to cope with problems on their own, have they? That’s why I always liked to operate on my own. I learned to master challenges by being alone. They have always needed help, and I doubt they will ever be able to do so. But never mind that now. What is the matter they need me on?’

Rain sighed again. ‘I don’t know, mate. Haven’t told me a thing. Just to ask you to come, and get paid for it. I’m never told a damn thing.’

‘That’s due to you never caring about our politics. You need to read between the lines. You’re so worried about your survival that you don’t have time to care about the world around you. Get a new place to live in, Rain. You cannot get to something when you stay where you are.’

James eyed him pitifully.

‘You stay here for a while. I’ve got at least three rooms unused. With my house as a domain you can spend more time on studying. Some time you will be able to find yourself something own. Come on now. I don’t want to linger, the Council is waiting.’

Rain seemed unable to speak. James grimaced. ‘Thank me later. Let’s go!’

They stood up. Rain picked up his axe, and James fetched the sword he had leaned carelessly against the wall in the hallway. He looked around to find Rain beside him. ‘I’m ready.’

‘Me too’, responded James. They went to the door together, and left the house.

There was nothing left of the assassin except for a large amout of blood covering the neat vegetable patch and the wall beside the sitting room window. James shuddered. The idea that there had been somebody outside to come and take his life was not comforting him. Rain had saved his life tonight. Offering him a place to sleep seemed a small thanking for this. He made a mental note to reward him in times he could afford it, and went on to the left side of the house. There was a little way leading downwards directly beside the house, under the kitchen window. A garage door was closed so you could not look inside, but when they moved nearer it opened soundlessly. Inside there was no light, but the good eyes of the vampires could make out the large Volkswagen at once. It looked very much like the sword or the table in James’ living room, as if it was used very rarely. Only James knew how old it really was. James opened the car and they got inside. Rain noticed that the glove compartment was not closed; taking a second look, he found it crammed by all sorts of handfire weapons. There was a revolver, a pistol that looked like it had once belonged to a pirate, a gun like those known from films like Bad Boys or the Crime Scene Investigation series and a kind of gun Rain had never seen. ‘What exactly..’ but again James was faster than him. ‘Later. Reach out for the one on the back seat, and please watch out for the sides. I cannot shoot Duma while driving.’

Rain turned in his seat, and found an assault rifle lying behind James’ seat. He picked it up and examined it closely. ‘Where the hell do you get all these?’

‘I’ve got friends who like to stay alive.’ James started the engine finally, and accelerated. The garage door closed behind them. The car turned left, and gathered speed.

Rain concentrated hard onto the sides of the roads. They drove past humans, most of them teenagers, teenagers who had not the slightest idea of the dangerous time they lived in. Of course there were some who actually believed in vampires or werewolves. There had always been some of that kind. But either nobody believed them or they simply wanted to draw attention. None of them had seen one without dying- and some of them even returned.

Suddenly, he had a strange feeling, as if there was something. Something dark. James felt it, too. ‘Somebody’s following us, and I’ll eat my doormat if it’s some of the good ones. Watch out.’

Rain looked left and right, but could not see anything. ‘Where the hell is that sucker?’

James answered ‘Won’t be silly enough to follow us from behind.’

Rain turned to the front again, just in time to see something falling. ‘Watch out!’ But in fact, there was nothing falling. A Duma had jumped from a lantern directly onto the bonnet. It was a girl, and she might have been pretty if she had not shown the typical signs of the Duma Blood- black lines under her eyes and scars all over her face and neck. Her hair fell in long waves onto her back, swaying by the speed of the car. In her hands she held two mortally looking daggers. None of them needed to be told that they were of pure silver. Rain made to lean out of the window to shoot her but James hold him back. ‘Wait, we can manage this in another way.’ And with those words he put his food down hard. Rain was thrown towards the windscreen, and only his seat belt saved him from flying through it. The Duma girl had less luck. She was thrown off the bonnet onto the street. James did not wait until she stood up again. He accellerated hard. A rumbling noise and a suppressed scream told them that they had hit her, but James did not stop to watch. Rain turned in his seat, and saw her lying on the ground, bleeding hard. ‘She will survive, James. You’d better had finished her off.’

‘Perhaps I did not want her to be dead. It’s enough if she has to tell her master that she failed in killing us. Yet, sometimes I wonder...she could have tried in many different ways, she even could have jumped on the roof. Why did she jump onto the bonnet where she could be seen so easily? I cannot imagine even the youngest to be so stupid.’ Since neither Rain nor James found an answer to that question, they did not spend another thought on that thread.

The Council’s domain was a huge glas building in the town core, in the exact middle of all surrounding vampires’ hunting areas (except the Duma’s, of course). When Rain got off the car, he cast a look to the top of the building. Being a vampire, he had no problem to recognise anything. Yet he was amazed how hands could build up something that large. When he heard James closing the car doors he was drawn from his thoughts. He looked away from the top, and followed James to the glass front doors. There were neither keylocks, nor an alarm, nor was there an automatic door device. As they aproached the door, a voice was heard.

‘Recognise yourself, please.’

The cold female voice seemed to come directly from above them, but when Rain looked up he could not see anything.

‘James the Elder and Rain, his apprentice, come to meet the Council after its request.’

There was a short buzzing sound, then the doors opened. ‘Welcome to the Council of the Vampires’ Community in England.’

They stepped through the doors, welcoming the warmth of the lobby. The ground was covered by a blue carpet, and the walls were illuminated by indirect lights. Walking around a corner, where they could no longer be seen from the street, there was the reception. Behind a mahagoni desk there was a large red and silver emblem, showing a masked face with long, bared canine teeth. It was not very different from the swordplate in James’ house.

From a door behind the reception a beautiful vampire girl with long blond hair done in a voluminous ponytail appeared. She smiled at them when James aproached the desk.

‘Good evening Elder James. It is very kind of you to come and help us.’

‘Hello Patricia. How are things going?’

Patricia watched him for a moment before answering. ‘We need the help of the Elders, James. You know that. I wished we wouldn’t but seeing the situation...’ she lowered her voice. ‘Just between us, I don’t think that Mors will be Council’s Leader much longer. His way of fighting the Duma is too less effective. We need somebody new. I have made up my mind about some ideas, but they won’t let me speak.’ she lowered her head sadly.

‘I might speak for you, Patricia. But you know as well as I do that the Council do rarely listen to the young ones. But also I think you should have your chance. I would favour you over Mors.’

Patricia smiled delightedly. ‘The Council awaits us. All of us’ she added, as Rain made a movement to turn around and sit onto the lobby sofa. Patricia gestured them to follow her, and together they made their way to the lifts. When James entered the lift being last, he saw Patricia looking down quickly. But he knew both of them long enough to know exactly where her night dark eyes had looked the very second before. He smiled a little to himself but did not say anything.

CHAPTER TWO

The lift doors opened into a wide hallway decorated with a crystal chandelier. The walls were completely of white marble, except for the window frames which were of black; as well were the columns supporting the ceiling. It was a magnificent image, especially with all the people wearing feetlong bloodred robes gathered around the pitch black marble table in the exact room’s middle. The effect was so imediate that they stood there for a few seconds, and simply watched and listened to the buzzing of the talk and laughter. Then they were noticed, and the people fell silent. One whose hair was shining white turned to face them; his face showed the typical signs of age, and although he was a vampire, he seemed to have aged on since; his face was wrinkled, and his eyes seemed to swallow the watcher. Looking into his eyes could stun somebody for a long time, and, being lost in his own thoughts, he would not realise that the man was already away- or behind him, what he might realise with his last thought before the man would suck out his blood. Vampires knew how cruel he could be- and those who did not might never live long enough to find out. When he saw the three of them standing in the door, however, he smiled.

‘Elder James! What an honour! I am very glad to see you here with us in this hour of need.’

James did not smile but nodded shortly into his direction.

‘Good evening Mors. I have expected your request earlier but I do not complain. Asking tonight saved my life a night longer.’ He gestured Rain and Patricia to follow, and walked near the marvellous table. He could see that there was one seat for everyone in the room. But counting the people, some were missing.

‘I think you might have forgotten to bring two more chairs in. We are 18 people in this room but I can only see 16.’

Mors smiled again. ‘Well, James, my dear, you can’t expect...they are too young, and, after all...’ James cut across him.

‘They will be here with me, or I will leave the very minute, and you can try to cope with the problem yourself. You know the laws, you’re actually supposed to know them better than I do.Every kin is granted a seat in the Council if he wishes to speak or to listen to the decisions. Respect the laws, and respect the kindred, and we won’t have a problem here. Deny them their rightful seats, and you lose me also. Decide now!’

The faces of some of the others showed anger, even refusal; Mors’, however, did not change a fraction.

‘As you wish, Elder. But you’re going to find that fawns are much too underexperienced...’

Again, James did not wait for Mors to complete the sentence.

‘First stop calling those two fawns! A fawn is a just transformed, not yet experienced, a complete new participant to our world! Rain is over half a century in it, and Patricia might be younger but is nonetheless more experienced than many of those I have heard to be here regularly. And even of those I see here some are not experienced except in the seduction of drunk girls to suck empty! Now if you don’t want Rain and Patricia here, you cannot have me, either. Let’s go!’

He turned from Mors, and started walking to the elevator again. ‘Wait!’

One of the other vampires came after him. ‘We need you, Elder James. Please do not leave us. Stay here, all of you. It was not our decision not to let them in. But since Mors leads us, he has a right to decide...’

‘He hasn’t. He is only one, and you are many. The Council used to be democratic, or, at least, democratic enough to decide over the Leader’s head.’

‘However, Elder. Please don’t leave. Listen to us first.’

‘Very well. What do you think?’ He turned to Rain.

‘I agree with you. If they can agree to granting us the seats, we can stay. Otherwise, we’re wasting time here.’

‘And we could find ears more willing to hear what we have to say”, Patricia added.

The kin nodded. ‘I thank all of you. You won’t regret it. Now come over here, please. We will arrange with the seats instantly.’ He walked back to the marble table, and gestured towards some of the others, who seemed to be his children. ‘Arrange two more chairs. Now!’

They hurried away, and as the all stepped to the table, there were enough chairs for all of them. Mors’ face was red now. But he managed to control himself. ‘All right, are we all ready then? Fine. Settle down. What we have to discuss is no easy matter.’

He turned to James. ‘Elder, as you are invited to help us in our decision, you might want to know first what exactly our problem is. Well, as you will have noticed, the Duma activity in town has boiled over. Nearly every night we are reported another dead kin, and we cannot stop it. We advised the vampire population to stay inside, or only to go out in pairs or groups. But this, of course, is not a solution. We need to dam in the Duma activity. Our problem is that we don’t know how to. We can only try to find them or to overwhelm them when they attempt to attack one of us hunting. I want to be honest with you- the Council is at a complete loss. We don’t know where to find them, we can’t find out where they will strike next, and still kindred are murdered. Now they have gone even further. I don’t know if you have heard but Thunder’s child, Stella, has been kidnapped hunting. This is the first time that this happened, and we don’t doubt they will either use her to bribe us, or they will use her for some of their manic experiments. You will agree that we can’t accept neither.’ He sighed. ‘We really need your help now, Elder. We don’t know what to do anymore. The Council is, for the first time ever, in grave danger of losing complete control over the vampire community. Now for some, like you, being strong enough to kill them rather than being killed by them, this might not be a problem. But we have fawns and for other reasons weak kindred who are probably not able to overwhelm the Duma as good as you are possibly.’ James raised his hand to disrupt his speech.

‘You said I was more likely to kill than to be killed. You also said that we have fawns too weak to defend themselves when ambushed. You called Rain a fawn. Do you want to know how exactly he saved my life tonight? He killed the Duma who was sent to kill me tonight with a single strike. That was not me. You see? You call someone a fawn but you don’t even know the power they own. You ought to consider your black-white thinking again.’

Mors looked offended, but remained polite.

‘James, please. We disagree on many points, but in this matter we should unite ourselves. We need your help. And saying that someone had to save your life tonight means that it isn’t in your disadvantage to receive help from us. We need us mutually James.’

James looked to Patricia. ‘I think you ought to speak to them now.’

Patricia cleared her throat. ‘Council, I have applied to you most oftenly now. Now I am allowed to speak eventually, and I think it is interesting for you what I have to say. After last week’s massacre, in which five pretty old members of the vampire community have been killed, I think we cannot pretend there was everything alright for us anymore. I think we should tell the community the truth. They ought to know what’s coming these days. It can’t hurt to let everybody know they’re in danger. Most people have supposed it to the day, and being honest throws a much better light onto the Council than silencing the truth. We shouldn’t hide this information from the community anymore. And I also think we should ask for help from the werewolves.’

Several people looked offended by this idea. Immediate murmuring arose, and it seemed that the meeting was to be set out of control. Then Rain stood up.

‘Oi! She hasn’t finished, so would you mind being quiet again!’, he bellowed. A shadow showed on his face. The vampires became silent in only a few seconds. Rain sat down again, and Patricia continued her speech.

‘My dear fellow kindred, I know, like you all do, that the vampires and the werewolves have been enemies for centuries. But I think that this fights have lasted long enough. I think that the Duma are as much a threat to the werewolves as they are to us. So we have a common foe here. We need to end the Old War. I think the werewolves are intelligent enough to see the uselessness of this ongoing fights. And I think that we are intelligent enough to see that. I want to go to the werewolves and to offer them a contract of peace between our people. I doubt that can stop the wolvies and kindred in other regions, but we can try here. And since we started this war, it is with us to make the first step to stop it anyways.’

Patricia looked around, from face to face. Some of them seemed to agree with her. She saw James’ face, and found agreement. She saw Rain’s face- it had been so kind to make it possible for her to continue her speech. She went on.

‘We cannot have disadvantage of a peace with the wolvies. Let’s try it. An ally against the Duma, gentlemen- this is, what we’re needing now. This is our chance to end two problems in one solution.’

She settled down.

James had watched her silently. Now he stood up, and spoke. ‘I think she is right’, he said, ‘the werewolves are strong. The Duma are strong. Together, they’d be unbeatable for us. It is time to forget our old debates, our Old War, the differences between our races. When we make the first step to arrange a contract of peace between the vampires and the werewolves in this area, this might also be an example for the other mixed-populated areas. An alliance with the werewolves is our best chance to counter the Duma activities in our area, and maybe we’ll be able to convince other vampire communities elsewhere to do the same thing. However, I suppose whatever desicion we’ll make tonight, we should make it fast. The Duma aren’t sleeping. Two tried to kill me tonight, so I suppose they expected you to correspond with me. The faster we make our move now, the better for the fate of all kindred.’

James looked around. Some of the faces showed agreement, but some seemed offended by the way he partook with Patricia’s suggestion. He continued.

‘You said, we’d need ourselves mutually. In fact, we need the werewolves’ help, nothing else. I could manage with everything without the Council, but the other way round, the Council could manage everything without me, if there will be an alliance with the werewolves. But since this is a matter of common interest, I think we ought to work together on this. What do you think?’

Now one of the vampires, who had not spoken so far, stood up. He wore a long, white beard, and his stomach seemed to have seen many pleasures before he was bitten. His eyes showed a wisdom only very few here had. It was Thunder, the one whose child had been kidnapped.

‘Elder, I agree. But I haven’t forgotten my child, either. For me the priority lies in finding her. If you can rescue her, I shall agree to your friend’s idea. Please do me this favour. I’m not that much of a killer that I could go and rescue her by myself. You know that my area of specificy is that of knowledge. But the three of you can bring my Stella back.’

Rain made a movement, but James stepped onto his foot to avoid him from speaking.

‘Thunder, I think we can manage both at the same time. Send envoys to the wolvies, and in the meantime we shall look after your child. Do you agree to this?’

‘I do.’ He turned to the Councillors. ‘Those who agree with the suggestion of Patricia, James and Rain to send envoys to the werewolves and to go to rescue Stella raise their hands in the air now, please.’

Slowly, the hands of some of the Councillors rose into the air. Rain leaned a little forward. He had counted fast, and it seemed to him to be the majority of the Council. Mors, James and Thunder counted the votes and a younger kin wrote the number on a piece of paper hanging behind the black table. 11.

‘Those willing to vote against the suggestion?’ asked Mors loudly and raised his own hand. Only a few followed, and Patricia recognised with relief that there were only five people. Some had not voted for or against the suggestion at all.

‘What about you, Gregory? Do you want to send an envoy to the wolvies or don’t you?’, Mors fired at a young kin harshly. But James stood up now. ‘Mors! He had his chance, if he was against the suggestion, the time to give his voice is over. The Council has desided about Patricia’s idea. It is up to the Council’s Leader to accept the voted subject now. Since you’re the Leader, accept or deny the plan.’

Mors obviously was not at all satisfied with the Council’s decision. ‘I shall not accept this hair-raising idea! How can you expect us to send envoys to those! If they had any interest in peace they could have stopped attacking us long ago. They could have sent envoys themselves. Why should we do the first step? It up to them...’ James wanted to cut across him, but Patricia was faster than him. ‘You want a reason to send envoys? Go and ask the community who is not sick of the lasting fights! Go and ask why people are worried, why those who love the moonlight don’t dare to leave the town! We have chased them from the towns, now they have besieged the cities. Still, from their point of view, we have the better conditions, considering that we can hunt human beings- they have only the deers left. And considering that we actually started the war, don’t you believe it might show some respect and will to cooperation to do the first step? Anyways, you don’t even have a reason to deny the suggestion which you essentially need to be able to do so. So actually you’ll have to accept, or to give your position in leading the Council to somebody else!’

Mors seemed stunned by Patricia’s speech. James, who had wanted to say something, held himself back. There was time for Mors to think. Finally, Mors spoke. ‘In my position as the incumbent Leader of the Council of the Vampire Community of this area, I accept Patricia’s suggestion. But I shall have one more condition.’

‘And what’s that going to be?’, James wanted to know.

‘That the envoys will return in at most three days, and unharmed. We have problems enough, we don’t need any more. Should the meeting with the wolvies come to an disadvantaging end for the kindred, we abandon diplomatics.’

‘Personally, I am fine with this condition.’, James said. Rain and Patricia nodded their agreement.

So weit, so gut. Anmerkungen, Kommentare, Verbesserungen, Wünsche?

Gruß Eldanor

[caliburn]

ja, einen Wnsch hätte ich schon: schreibst du weiter? Nein, ist wirklich toll die Geschichte, vllt. der eine oder andere Rechtschreibfehler (den Wod gesehen hat), und vllt. auch grammatikalisch was falsch (was ich aber nicht behaupten will, sondern nur so in den Raum stelle für all jene, die besser in Englisch sind als ich und es sehen würden)

[Elda]

ja, einen Wnsch hätte ich schon: schreibst du weiter? Nein, ist wirklich toll die Geschichte, vllt. der eine oder andere Rechtschreibfehler (den Wod gesehen hat), und vllt. auch grammatikalisch was falsch (was ich aber nicht behaupten will, sondern nur so in den Raum stelle für all jene, die besser in Englisch sind als ich und es sehen würden)

Ich werde auf jeden Fall weiterschreiben. Freut mich, dass es dir gefällt.

Was genau für einen Rechtschreibfehler meinst du, hast du einen bestimmten entdeckt? Word erledigt das leider nicht automatisch für mich. Und wer oder was ist Wod? Achso, meintest du vielleicht Word mit Wod? Ist mir grad erst aufgefallen

Naja wie gesagt, Word ist bei mir leider ein bisschen doof und macht das nicht selber, deswegen muss ich alles betalesen lassen...geht aber auch

Und grammatikalisch achte ich sehr auf Genauigkeit, wobei ich aber auch nicht vor korrekten, aber komplizierten Wortstellungen zurückschrecke, frei nach antikem Vorbild.

Gruß Eldanor

[Johannes]

Coole Sache.

Vorallem der Volkswagen mit den Haufen Waffen drin gefällt mir :-O

[caliburn]

@ Eldanor

ja, ich meinte Word, sry. Na, z.B: decide, das steht bei dir irghendwo mit s. Aber das ist je eher zweitrangig.

Ich finde deinen Ausdrukc sehr beeidnruckend, eben, weil es mich so ein bisschen an richtige englischsprachige Autoren erinnert. Ich lese ja zzt. was auf Englishc, und da hat man einen richtig guten Vergleich.

Was mir noch einfiel, was ich persönlich nicht gaaanz so gut finde, ist die Formulierung "raise the hands in the air", ich weiß nicht, das hört sich so Deutsch an. Kann man "in the air" nicht weglassen und vllt. durch "up" ersetzen?

[Elda]

@ Eldanor

ja, ich meinte Word, sry. Na, z.B: decide, das steht bei dir irghendwo mit s. Aber das ist je eher zweitrangig.

Tja, das ist mein Problem, Word ist nicht klug genug, das selbstständig herauszufinden. Aber ich werde eh noch einmal alles überarbeiten, bevor das irgendein Verlag zu lesen bekommt falls überhaupt.

Ich finde deinen Ausdrukc sehr beeidnruckend, eben, weil es mich so ein bisschen an richtige englischsprachige Autoren erinnert. Ich lese ja zzt. was auf Englishc, und da hat man einen richtig guten Vergleich.

Danke Ich habe mir da auch viel Mühe gegeben. Da ich selbst sehr viel auf Englisch lese und ich eine natürliche Sprachbegabung habe, fällt mir das auch zum Glück sehr leicht. Vor allem Fräulein Rowling hat mich da inspiriert...seit der 5. Band auf Englisch draußen war, habe ich keinen HP mehr auf Deutsch angerührt. Und ich möchte auch unbedingt den Lord Of The Rings folgen lassen. Originalsprache finde ich nunmal einfach besser als Übersetzung.

Was mir noch einfiel, was ich persönlich nicht gaaanz so gut finde, ist die Formulierung "raise the hands in the air", ich weiß nicht, das hört sich so Deutsch an. Kann man "in the air" nicht weglassen und vllt. durch "up" ersetzen?

Da habe ich mir auch ein wenig den Kopf drüber zerbrochen. Dummerweise fällt mir keine andere Formulierung ein. "Hands up" geht zwar, ist allerdings American English, und da bin ich kein Freund von. Also, wer immer etwas Besseres oder Wohlklingenderes hat, darf sich melden

Gruß Eldanor

[caliburn]

hm, geht nicht vllt, "to lift the hands"? oder einfahc "to raise the hands", ohne das up.

[Alatariel]

Hallo Eldanor!

Ich find´s bewundernswert, dass du Geschichten auf Englisch verfasst! Respekt!

Ich hab mich das bis jetzt erst einmal getraut.

Ich hab die ersten zwei Absätze mal kurz überflogen und hier wären ein paar sprachliche Verbesserungsvorschläge:

In his world, this belonged to life to survive.

Den Satz kannst du so irgendwie nicht lassen, glaube ich. Also das "this" soll sich auf "killing" beziehen, oder?

Vllt. dann einfach so etwas wie "Killing was part of life" oder so?

To life...

mit v

handsome fire

"Handsome" benutzt man IMHO nur um gutaussehende Männer zu beschreiben.

The less knew, the less were interested.

Wo ist das Subjekt? *grad nicht durchblick*

[Elda]

Hallo Eldanor!

Ich find´s bewundernswert, dass du Geschichten auf Englisch verfasst! Respekt!

Ich hab mich das bis jetzt erst einmal getraut.

Hi Ala, danke, dass du dir die Mühe machst, hier auch mal drüberzuschauen. Trau dich doch nochmal, ich würds auch gern bei dir betalesen

Ich hab die ersten zwei Absätze mal kurz überflogen und hier wären ein paar sprachliche Verbesserungsvorschläge:

In his world, this belonged to life to survive.

Den Satz kannst du so irgendwie nicht lassen, glaube ich. Also das "this" soll sich auf "killing" beziehen, oder?

Vllt. dann einfach so etwas wie "Killing was part of life" oder so?

Hhhm, ja, der Satz hat mir selber auch nicht so gut gefallen....ich denk mal über deinen Tipp nach Danke

To life...

mit v

Hier nicht: life meint hier tatsächlich das Substantiv Leben wie in "es gehört zum Leben dazu, dass blablabla." Und das Substantiv schreibt man außer im Plural mit f

handsome fire

"Handsome" benutzt man IMHO nur um gutaussehende Männer zu beschreiben.

Dachte ich auch, aber Rowling benutzt das an einigen Stellen auch. Und wer sollte es wohl besser wissen, als eine gebürtige Engländerin?

The less knew, the less were interested.

Wo ist das Subjekt? *grad nicht durchblick*

Das Subjekt ist "less": Je Weniger (ergänze "Menschen") es wussten, desto weniger(hier auch) interessierte es.

Klar jetzt? Finde ich aber echt spitze, dass ich hier so viel positive Resonanzen habe. Das animiert zum Weiterschreiben.

Das habe ich übrigens heute getan: Das zweite Kapitel ist soweit fertig, es ist nur, ebenso wie das erste, noch nicht überarbeitet. Ich fange morgen oder übermorgen mit dem 3. Kapitel an, und poste hier dann sowohl das Ende des zweiten als auch mein bis dahin verfasstes drittes Kapitel.

Gibts eigentlich eine Möglichkeit, diesen Thread hier nur für Mitglieder anzeigen zu lassen? Als Gast kann hier ja praktisch jeder meine Geschichte lesen

Wobei, wer sie klauen will, kann sich auch einfach schnell anmelden und sie dann hier lesen, oder? Wird wahrscheinlich nicht so viel Sinn haben...

Gruß, der schreibwütige Eldanor :-D

[Alatariel]

Hi Ala, danke, dass du dir die Mühe machst, hier auch mal drüberzuschauen. Trau dich doch nochmal, ich würds auch gern bei dir betalesen.

*g* Nein, ich glaube meine geistigen Ergüsse behalte ich lieber für mich...

Hier nicht: life meint hier tatsächlich das Substantiv Leben wie in "es gehört zum Leben dazu, dass blablabla."

Ah! *glühbirne an*

Durch das "to" davor hatte ich einfach sofort die Assoziation "Verb".

Dachte ich auch, aber Rowling benutzt das an einigen Stellen auch. Und wer sollte es wohl besser wissen, als eine gebürtige Engländerin?

Echt? Wieder was gelernt... *g*

Das Subjekt ist "less": Je Weniger (ergänze "Menschen") es wussten, desto weniger(hier auch) interessierte es.

Ok, jetzt weiß ich wie dus meinst. War etwas verwirrend.

Ich hab grad ncoh ein bisschen Zeit, hier kommen also ein paar Vorschläge für den nächsten Absatz:

...nor what had waked him

Wenn du das Past Perfect benutzen willst, musst du meineswissens nach "had" das pp einsetzen, also "woken". "Waked" ist äquivalent zu "woke" zu sehen, also die 2. Verbform.

Seeing nothing worrying, he looked around. Had that been a shadow moving outside the window?

Wenn du davor im einfachen past bist würde ich da auch bleiben und sagen "Was that a shadow..." etc.

... and was covered by ermineskin.

Wenn du Hermelinpelz meinst, würde ich eher "fur" oder so was sagen... Aber klingt cool, hab das Wort so noch nie gesehen. ^^ Kann man das echt so zusammenschreiben? :-O

Bearbeitet 14. Februar 2008 von Alatariel

[Elda]

*g* Nein, ich glaube meine geistigen Ergüsse behalte ich lieber für mich...

Och schade

Dachte ich auch, aber Rowling benutzt das an einigen Stellen auch. Und wer sollte es wohl besser wissen, als eine gebürtige Engländerin?

Echt? Wieder was gelernt... *g*

Naja, möglicherweise benutzt sie es auch falsch was ich nicht hundertpro ausschließen kann. Aber ich finde, dass es doch recht englisch klingt...

Ich hab grad ncoh ein bisschen Zeit, hier kommen also ein paar Vorschläge für den nächsten Absatz:

...nor what had waked him

Wenn du das Past Perfect benutzen willst, musst du meineswissens nach "had" das pp einsetzen, also "woken". "Waked" ist äquivalent zu "woke" zu sehen, also die 2. Verbform.

Wow, jetzt geht hier die philologische Diskussion richtig los Dass es woken heißt, wusste ich nicht. Ich meinte, wake wäre ein reguläres Verb. Danke, dass dus mir sagst

Seeing nothing worrying, he looked around. Had that been a shadow moving outside the window?

Wenn du davor im einfachen past bist würde ich da auch bleiben und sagen "Was that a shadow..." etc.

Naja, ich wollte damit anzeigen, dass er, was immer er auch gesehen hat, sogar noch gesehen hat, bevor er sich das fragt. Gibts im Deutschen ja auch: Er sah sich um. War das etwa (gerade) ein Schatten (gewesen), der ums Haus schlich?

So ungefähr. Ich glaube, im Deutschen ist die Form seltener mit dem "gewesen" als mit dem "gerade". Aber im Englischen müsste es imho so aussehen.

... and was covered by ermineskin.

Wenn du Hermelinpelz meinst, würde ich eher "fur" oder so was sagen... Aber klingt cool, hab das Wort so noch nie gesehen. ^^ Kann man das echt so zusammenschreiben?

*kopfmeetstischplatte* wieso bin ich nicht auf fur gekommen?

Aber eigentlich wollte ich schon betonen, dass es ein Hermelin ist...kann man aber auch betonen: covered by a fur of ermine müsste das dann sein.

Na gut, ich änder das dann. Aber nicht jetzt hier im Text, sondern in meinem Original. Wenn noch jemandem mehr auffällt, darf ers ruhig rausrücken

Vielleicht veröffentliche ich das ja wirklich mal. Und dann wird es ganz berühmt. Und im Umschlag steht dann: gewidmet den vielen Helfern des Tolkienforums..... :-D

[Elda]

Liebe Leute,

nach einwöchiger Krankheit schreibe ich nun heute abend endlich weiter. Ihr dürft gespannt sein, was mein von Fieberträumen geplagtes Hirn jetzt nach Kur so aushecken wird. Morgen gibts dann das Ende von Kapitel 2 und vielleicht schon ein Stück vom 3.

so far

Gruß Eldanor

[Elda]

‘That the envoys will return in at most three days, and unharmed. We have problems enough, we don’t need any more. Should the meeting with the wolvies come to an disadvantaging end for the kindred, we abandon diplomatics.’

‘Personally, I am fine with this condition.’, James said. Rain and Patricia nodded their agreement.

Thunder spoke again. ‘Well, then this is settled. Who did you want to send to the werewolves as the envoys, Patricia?’ - ‘I planned to leave this decision to whomever it is going to be. No one should be forced or ordered to go. If nobody volunteers, then I’ll go myself.’

‘I’ll do it’, Rain said at once. He looked through the room; nobody seemed to disagree with his going. ‘Then I shall come along, and support you there’ James also said. ‘They know of the influence of the Elders onto the Council, they’re going to listen to what we’ll have to say.’

‘Well, isn’t there anybody else?’, Thunder wanted to know. Patricia moved forward, but Mors held out his hand. ‘No. You said you’d go if no one is going to volunteer, and I shall allow this, but leave a chance to the others.’ He turned to the vampires gathered around the marble table. ‘Who of you wants to achieve the respect and the pride of the Council to go onto this mission?’ He looked around. Seemingly, nobody wanted to go with Rain and James, or they were to afraid of the werewolves to go. ‘Isn’t there anybody with the guts to bring back the peace between our peoples?’, Rain asked.

Finally, a very young kin stood up, and turned to Thunder. ‘With your permission, I’m going to join the party of the envoys to our old enemies to make them new allies.’ Thunder nodded. ‘Acolyte, I am proud of you. Return with a smile upon your face, to bring us all good news, and happiness for a little time.’ Acolyte stood up, and came over to James and Rain. ‘I daresay we’re going to get along well. Peace is good for us, and I’m happy to be a part of those who bring it.’ He held out his hand to James, who took it. ‘And I am glad to welcome you to my gathering of envoys.’ He turned to the group at large. ‘I think this is everything we have to discuss this night. We shall meet in three days again. Unto that time, I can only advise each and every single one of you not to hunt alone, walk alone, be alone. Go together in groups. I will go to ask for peace; however, I cannot guarantee it. If the wolves reject our offer, there might be a problem more; the moment the wolves know of our bad situation, they can also try to draw their advantages from it, if they shouldn’t want any peace with us. They might also party with the Duma, what would mean the end of our reign over this city. When we return, everything shall have changed.’

He turned to leave, and Rain, Acolyte and Patricia followed him. When they had reached the elevator, they could sea the other vampires leaving into different directions. Many had their domains in this tower, but James had disapproved of this idea of centralisation of power. Nobody knew what weapons the Duma were able to reach, and should they be able to raid the tower once, the Council was to be doomed to fall apart.

The elevator brought them down pretty fast. Patricia turned to him. ‘Do you think we will succeed with bringing the werewolves onto our side?’

‘It was your idea in the first step, wasn’t it? Don’t worry. I think that some of them are rather sensible, and will understand that a peace between our races is the best for us. I worry about the wolves’ leaders. Will they accept to work together with those they know to have been fighting them for centuries? And what about the Duma? What if they have asked for help first? We’re doomed then. We all sure are.’

‘Don’t think that negatively’, Acolyte said. I’m pretty sure we won’t have any problems. Why should we? We have an Elder on our side, and the wolvies can’t be thick enough to want this war to continue.’

‘Your speech shows me your courage, but also that you’re young and inexperienced. The werewolves have been cheated by vampires all back through the past ages. There have been critical situations before the vampires asked for help in, and the werewolves have been linked into help and receiving horrible disadvantages from this. That Mors was against Patricia’s idea was not narrow-minded. It was merely the experience of the wolves he tried to conclude. The wolves must think that the vampires want to trick them again. What reason would they have to believe us? That we’re in a critical situation? We’ve been before. And we used the werewolves ignorantly, we used them for our advantage. Nothing else will they expect from us. The problem is, that this time we don’t have those thoughts behind this offer. It will be our issue to convince them of this.’

The elevator doors opened, and they stepped out. Patricia looked at them. ‘When will you be leaving town?’

‘The next evening. I want to prepare a little bit before we dare going into the wilds completely unprotected. Since we won’t be able to bring weapons, we need to bring gifts. I will use the daytime to find some. Acolyte shall join me on this occasion.’

Acolyte looked up. ‘We’re moving in daylight? I know you’re an Elder, but I’m not. How exactly are we going to do this?’

Rain answered for him. ‘Oh come on, you don’t still believe those ‘vampires can’t face daylight’ stories, do you? The sun hurts your eyes. Were glasses, then you should be fine. It’s just that most younger vampires behaved crazily in open daylight, that made us making up that story and lingering in darkness forever on.’

‘Not exactly that long for you, was it? But no matter the point, you’re right. Vampires react on sunlight, but they’re not burnt to death by it unless they lie in the sunrise and wait for the sun to come. That ought to hurt a little more. Now come on, we need to get to my home before the Duma want to try a little peace of Acolyte.’ He blinked and went to the glass front doors. Rain turned to leave, but Patricia held him back.

‘Why don’t you spend the rest of the night hunting with me? We’re not supposed to go alone, are we?’ Rain looked a little surprised, but nonetheless pleased. James turned around.

‘Fine, but be at my house tomorrow evening at dusk. We shouldn’t go to late. Fangs bared!’

And with this greeting of the hunters he left the buildung with Acolyte.

Chapter 3

James went straight to his car. Acolyte took place on the seat beside him, not without noticing the scratch on the bonnet the Duma girl had left. ‘What happened to you? Have you been attacked?’

James started the engine. ‘Nothing to worry about. It’s just been a reminder for me to keep careful. That girl jumped onto the car while I had about 30 miles. I would think rather often about a jump like that before I’d actually do it. And I wouldn’t want to jump onto my car, either. I haven’t told Rain, but I think my powers fade. I sensed that Duma just like he did, but I didn’t see her on that lantern she jumped of. Without Rain I might just had the shock, but still, it isn’t very good to be surprised by somebody trying to kill you. Well, forget about that.’ He drove from the parking area in front of the building and turned onto the street home. ‘We’re going to rest for a few hours. Later, around midday, we shall go into town, and meet some people. We need something we can present the werewolves as a gift, and it needs to be something they need. The problem is, I don’t like the idea of presenting them something more lethal than a teacup, on the other hand won’t they like anything that isn’t at least as lethal as a dragon’s fang. But we can rack our brains about that later. For now, all we need is some sleep. I hope you ate before you came. I don’t have much in the domain left after Rain visited me so shortbooked.’ ‘No, it’s all right, thank you. I was on hunt with Thunder last night, I think I can manage this for a few days now.’ ‘Very well. Oh, would you mind and pick up one of those handguns? I don’t like the idea of driving unprotected.’ Acolyte picked a revolver that looked rather mortal, and opened the window. ‘What should I aim at?’ ‘Look out for lanterns’, James advised him. But it looked like the Duma had spent all their assasins for this night, and they weren’t harmed until the car stood silently in James’ garage.

So, bitteschön :-)

[caliburn]

Hallo!

Endlich geht es weiter. Liest sich toll. Ich hätte da vllt. eine Anmerkung:

Bie dem Satz: "will understand that a peace between our races is the best for us." würde ich vllt. lieber schreiben: "... is the best for both of us.". Weiß jetzt nicht, ob das grammatikalisch korrekt ist, aber so wird deutlicher, dass die Allianz zw. Vampiren u. Werwölfen für beide Seiten von Vorteil ist.

"It’s just been a reminder for me to keep careful." Kann man das mit to keep und careful so schreiben? Ich würde da entweder schreiben:

- to keep care oder

- to be/remain careful

Ansonsten sehr schön. Bitte um Mehr! :anonym:

[Alatariel]

Ich bin ja immer noch beim ersten Kapitel....

it looked perishing

Was meinst du damit? Vergänglich?

Focussing the door

"Focussing on the door" denke ich muss es heißen...

It was covered in some dark, thick liquid

to be covered with

Recognise yourself’ called James out

Was meinst du? Er soll sagen, wer er ist??

pointing the sword into his opponent’s face

to point at

His glance travelled onto Rain’s face

Wieder die Präpositionen: Ich würde "to" sagen. ;-)